A WHOLE NEW WORLD

The Los Angeles Unified School District gets a bad rap. But last year, in kindergarten, Arden learned all the fundamentals of reading and now, not even half-way through first grade, she can read. I mean really read. When I was in kindergarten we made collages out of our mothers' Vogue magazines and watched our teacher make applesauce out of the crab apples we found in the woods. First grade was spent drawing pictures of my imaginary home planet Xenazonamus and learning the Pledge of Allegiance (neither of which are taught in school today.) I didn’t start to read until second grade. The book was called “I Am Sam” (not to be confused with the terrible Sean Penn movie or the protagonist in Green Eggs and Ham.) And as a reward for reading my first 10-page book, unassisted, my folks presented me with a Greedo action figure from Star Wars. If my parents had a scanner and actually knew what a scanner did, I’d post a picture of myself proud and front-toothless holding up my prize (now worth over $300 if I didn’t open it up.) But I digress…

Arden can now read pretty much anything these days, whereas Alex, who’s now 3-years-old still can’t recognize her own name. In fact this morning, after dropping Arden off at school, Alex looked up at the Hollywood Sign and said, “Hey, that’s my name on the mountain.” Close. Anyway, on the actual drive to school this morning, Arden starts reading all the signs and billboards we’ve passed a thousand times before. She sees a sign that says, “Keys” and asks, “Why does that sign say ‘keys’ on it?” I said, “Because they sell keys there.” “Huh.” We then passed a building and Arden says, “Citizens Medical Group? Is that like a doctor’s office or something?” I said, “That’s exactly what it is.” Arden says, “I had no idea. It’s kind of like a whole new world when you can read.” I smiled and said, “It is.” We then passed an HIV awareness billboard that featured a retro cartoon of two men about to kiss with the caption, “New Love?” Arden says, “New Love? What’s that billboard selling?” I replied, “I must have missed that one.”

DÉJÀ VU ALL OVER AGAIN

Today was the first day of 1st grade for Arden and the first day of preschool for Alex. A day of mixed emotions where I was a little sad to see my girls growing up so fast and let’s be honest, I was also a little elated knowing that I would finally be getting a small piece of my pre-kid life back. Where I could spend the day writing in the comfort of my boxer shorts and not having to pee in the woods behind my office so as not to disturb Alex and her sometimes nanny’s playtime rhythm upstairs. I’d been dreaming of this moment for quite some time. A year to be exact. Back when Arden had her first day of elementary school and Alex had her first day of…preschool.

That’s right, last year Alex also had her first day of preschool, but it didn’t turn out that well. I had to leave her in tears and when I picked her up later that day she was still in tears. She finished the first week off the same way she started, but by the end of that first week we realized she hadn’t peed in 42 hours so we rushed her to the urologist who told us that Alex had one of three possible problems. 1) She had a defective bladder and would have to be catheterized for life. 2) She had a neurological defect that was preventing her from urinating or 3) She had a tumor on her spine. He said most likely it was number one, which was ironically the worst scenario because if she had a neurological defect or a tumor we could at least fix the problem. That’s when the self-loathing began because deep down inside you’re hating yourself for privately hoping your child has a neurological defect or a tumor. Fortunately after putting Alex under general anesthesia for an exploratory procedure we found out Alex had option 4 – a big fat bladder. And there was nothing wrong with her. To comfort us the doctor did say, “The good news is that Alex will have a social advantage in school because she’ll never miss a conversation because she has to pee.” Yes, very comforting doctor. Personally I thought the good news is that Alex was fine. The even better news was that the next day she was done with diapers, but we decided, maybe we should keep Alex out of school until next fall.

So here we are, a year later. Arden went off to 1st grade this morning without a hitch (and by without a hitch I mean that she got assigned a classroom that had not one of her friends in it and a new teacher who didn’t bother setting up the classroom) and Alex walked into preschool with a newfound confidence, ready to take on the world of finger paints and Duck Duck Goose, without her Daddy.

However, there was another little girl at Alex’s preschool, crying her eyes out for her father who had just left. She was terrified of all the teachers in their blue aprons and saw me and said, “Please hold me, please.” I looked around, thinking she’s gotta mean someone else, but she meant me. I tried to help calm her down, tried to introduce her to Alex, but she was busy riding a trike across the playground. The little girl looked so sad and all the teachers were busy with other first day introductions. So what else could I do? I scooped her up and she put her head on my shoulder and wiped her snot on my sleeve, and within a few minutes she was calm and ready to start her first day. And as I walked out of school, I felt a little less elated about my newfound freedom and a little bit sadder that my girls are growing up.

HYPNOTIZED

Alex, now two-and-a-half, likes to touch my face or stroke my arm with her jagged little fingernails when she's watching TV. Last night Arden looked over at us on the couch and said, "Why does she always do that?" I said, "I dunno, but when you were her age you used to like to tug on my ears while you sat and watched TV." I then went on to explain that it was actually relaxing and sometimes even made me fall asleep. So while Jen was putting Alex to bed last night, Arden came over to the couch, sat down next to me and started tugging on my ear. Mind you a gentle tug from a two-year-old is a mite more lulling than that of a six-year-old with a hidden agenda. But I let her do it anyway until her real motive was revealed...

iCarly had just ended and it was time for Arden to go to bed. I was quickly finishing up an email on my phone while Arden continued tugging on my ear. Meanwhile she slowly lifted up the remote and slyly put on an episode of SpongeBob. I turned to her with a smile and said, "Are you trying to hypnotize me so you can stay up and watch another show?" She smiled at me and said, "Did it work?" Apparently it had because I said, "Fifteen more minutes." 

ARDEN ON TV TONIGHT!

Arden will be featured on the premiere episode of I KID WITH BRAD GARRETT tonight on TLC as well as being featured in a second episode on July 12. On the west coast the show airs at 5:00 PM and repeats again at 8:00 PM and on the east coast is airs at 8:00 PM and repeats again at 11:00 PM. So set your DVRs and watch Arden give Brad a run for his money!

The Videos Are Back!

Today Arden and Alex take on Lady Gaga...

MUSICAL BEDS

Alex is on what must be her 5th cold since the New Year began so...

Last night I "slept" in my bed then moved to Alex's bed (when she invaded mine), then Jen couldn't take the invader so she took Alex's bed while I returned to our bed with Alex, but Alex kept coughing so I set her up on the recliner while I took the couch, but then she wanted her bed again so Jen went back to our bed and I (unintentionally) fell asleep on Alex's floor until Alex announced that she was awake at 3:30 AM so I took the recliner while she watched TV on the couch until she decided she wanted to sit with daddy on the recliner until dawn. Sometime after that I officially became a zombie. So aim for the head.

QUOTABLE ARDEN

While driving in the car yesterday Arden tells me she knows our phone number and then proceeds to rattle it off. I told her that was great. And that it's important to know your phone number, "That way you can always get in touch with me." Arden then asks, "When I grow up will I get my own phone number?" I said, "Yes." Arden then says, "Will I get to choose the number?" I said, "Sometimes." Arden nods her head to herself for a moment and then says, "I would like my phone number to be one." I look back at her and say, "You want your phone number to be the number one?" Arden says, "Yeah, that way when I'm famous it will be easy for people to get in touch with me."